Oh God, I couldn't do without solitude, not now - though oops! Never say never
I tend to have periods in life where I am almost a hermit-ess which some how fill my well and gives me time to make sense of it all, come to a place of peace, then I venture out again to battle on and have fun of course.
My main reason for breaking off for a while was because Sunnys' needs were become constant, she needed my full attention - even though I didn't 'speak it' she was close to death and hospic care is a full time, 7/24, job - one has to be in tune with the fading away one even in sleep, she slept next to me and just a change in her breathing would wake me - aaaahh darling one
In the end I knew she would go that night or the next day, distressingly so because all was shutting down, and so called my Angel of a vet - Oh what an Angel she is, her whole thing is that pets should 'go' in their own homes - Just before she arrived I had said to my daughter, after settling Sunny after a frightening happening to her body, which had passed, and she was sleeping 'How lucky vets are 'cos they can choose the moment they help their own animals pass, if I were a vet, this would be that moment' and in walked Sue - after hellos and a half hearted sniff from Sunny who hardly had the energy by then to even lift her head, Sue asked if I had something nice to give Sunny to eat while she gave her the morphine cocktail - a mashed up tin of pilchards in tomatoes -which she ate with gusto and then fell gently asleep (stoned)
And then the big blue 'end game' with hardly a change of breath she went - perfect, a perfect ending for a darling who left only love behind her
I had been quite worried about myself, after she was gone, I really had no idea how I was going to react, toward the end I often whispered 'what will I do without you? to Sunny - we had become as one almost - But - and I still haven't made sense of it but perhaps it is because we were so close that I have not found it hard - it is gentle and sort of like an 'element', it is a part of me as she was -
Perhaps it is because I was the carer, maybe, it is because one has to detach or rather rise above the emotions one otherwise feel, as I did with the others, when you are the one doing 'the doing' and for such a long time - I had hardly left the house for over a year, never leaving her even from room to room for more then ten mins at a time - Oh I dunno but I shan't question it or try to fathom it what ever has happened she has left behind such peace and gentleness and love - and I am so grateful to her for lingering with me for so long. aaaaahhh darling one.
Anyway I have been out and about since, the Thursday before last - that night we left her in her bed and went to the pub she stayed there over night with me in bed next to her - next day I tell you I have no idea how I managed to dig her grave, the others had been ok 'cos all I was doing was to help the dogs still living but God Sunnys' was tough - anyway I did and Sis came over to help carry her down the garden - lol we both kept thinking of other things to do first - go and buy a plant for her grave, eat, another cuppa -meanwhile the flies had found Sunny ( who hated flies in life, and we bit the bullet - my my it was a perfect grave, a perfect fit
so at last I got the last one right - and our little graveyard is complete, they have their Mama :-(
Next day I got the bus and went to Arundel where they were making the carpet of flowers for Corpus Christi, the Cathedral smelled wonderful
http://www.arundelcathedral.org/corpuschristi.htm
and there was a Cricket match going on, Talked to some gets from up North down for a Match as we walked up the Hill, I now know all the gossip from Sheffield - and that the Castle Stables are becoming derelict after the death of the Race horse owner who owned the Stables -
http://www.cricketatarundelcastle.co.uk/
talked to lots of people, lit a candle for Sunny in another Church - shopped for nice food in lovely shops and sat by the River -
Got the bus to Amberly with daughter one day and sat in the Grave Yard sketching
http://www.woodybanks.co.uk/around-amberley.htm
Aaaannd on Saturday I went with my Sister to a fracking thingy that the Council had set up in Pulborough -it was interesting, there were the Cons as well as the Pros and a few speakers in various rooms - the Scientist was a [Unwelcome language removed] who had worked for BP - actually he was doing more good for the Cons than the pros he was so condescending but the one I found most interesting was the Balcombe Parish
Councillor and then we went with daughter back to Amberley for tea on the River
http://balcombeparishcouncil.com/
Sooo gently gently back into the big wide world - aaaannnd if it looks like a gentle landscape her mmmmmmm! Beware my daughter was chased by Cows the other week looooooooooool - people will feed em!
And it feels as though, though I can't really explain it, that I carry Sunny in my heart, that she is with me yet - istead of my heart breaking, though I have moments, it feels as though my heart if full, comfortably full
Weeeell - I hadn't meant to say all that as I came to answer you darling Bolt - No I don't envy you your troubles and do know how it is to live in such turmoil, other peoples turmoil - I sort of see peoples natures as natural elements now, in a funny way, as a River with eddies and calm peaceful bits and white waters and Oh do you know what I mean? Unchangables who are just as they are and one must cope with them as they are, or deal with and that the best protection is to know them well
xxxx
Love and stuff xxxx