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Joe Versus The Taliban


Supporting Member
"If you want to know where Al Qaeda lives, you want to know where Bin Laden is, come back to Afghanistan with me," Biden bragged to the National Guard Association. "Come back to the area where my helicopter was forced down, with a three-star general and three senators at 10,500 feet in the middle of those mountains. I can tell you where they are."

Joe Biden squinted out through the open door of a Blackhawk Helicopter, flying through a blinding snow- storm in the mountains of Afghanistan. A lesser man would have recoiled from the bitter cold and snow that was blistering his stern, determined face. But Biden was on a mission, a mission to find and destroy Osama Bin Laden. He steeled himself against the cold and continued to search the forbidden landscape for signs of trouble.

“Close the door, Joe,” Senator John Kerry said. “It’s cold.” Kerry was shivering under a blanket which he was sharing with fellow Senator Chuck haggle and a Three-Star General who was in command of the mission.

“Can’t John,” Biden said. “He’s out there, I know he is…I can feel him out there…I can smell him out there.”

Suddenly there was a tremendous explosion on the opposite side of the helicopter. A shoulder fired missile had found them from somewhere in the cold barren rocky peaks below. The ship began to plummet to the ground. Senator Kerry was on the floor trying to salvage his supply of QRE’s (Quiche Ready to Eat) and two bottles of Dom Perignon which had been thrown from Kerry’s backpack and were now rolling across the floor toward the open door.

Biden stopped the two rolling bottles with his foot and rolled them back to Kerry, who retrieved them and held them close to him as one who would hold a small child.

Biden began shouting orders….”auto-rotate…auto-rotate,” he shouted to the pilot. “Man the guns, they may be on the ground in force and I want to be ready….everybody grab something solid and hang on. It’s going to be a rough ride down.

The helicopter hit down hard on a snow-covered incline and started to slide down the mountain. Biden’s first concern was to ensure that all on board were safe. “Stay down,” he yelled, and they all got down on the floor and tried to get under the seats. He looked out the front wind screen and could see that they were sliding faster and faster toward the Taliban camp at the foot of the incline.

The indefatigable Senator looked around the cabin and spotted an M-16 with two full clips of ammo. He picked it up and threw the sling over his shoulder and prepared to exit the ship as soon as it came to a stop in the Taliban camp.

The enemy was waiting and opened fire as soon as the helicopter crashed into their midst. Ak-47 rounds started peppering the side of the machine. Small pinpoints of light appeared all over the interior as enemy bullets penetrated and smashed against the opposite side of the ship.

Biden jumped out the right-side door into the snow and rolled over behind a rock as every rifle in the camp came to bear on him and him alone. He popped up and started unleashing a ribbon of hot metal toward the exposed Taliban henchmen. They began falling in great heaps, piled upon each other in a bloody frozen mess of twitching eyes and severed limbs. The enemy started to run but Biden was incensed and was in no mood to allow any to escape. He found a cache of enemy hand grenades and began tossing them down the mountain at the fleeing Taliban. They fell among them and began to explode, tossing bodies in every direction.

Biden fell in among them and finished off the survivors with a few well-placed shots to their heads.

When it was over, Senators Kerry and Hagle, and the Three-Star General were peering warily out of the side door of the helicopter. “Is it safe?” Kerry asked.

After an accounting, the General called Biden a hero. “You saved us all, Senator. We are grateful. You took out 37 of them….I have to recommend you for a medal.

“That’s not necessary,” Biden said. “I’ve had worse trouble than this in the Senate.”

Jack Dallas 2008 BOTF, Slate Fray