as seen on tv
Senator
Watch Jussie Smullett battle his greatest foes - the dreaded "White Supremacist Nigerian Brothers" - in the upcoming "MAGA Avengers - Infinity War".
Jussie Smollett Moved to New Cell Amid Push for Emergency Release
Jussie Smollett's defense and family have demand his release in a court filing, citing "vicious threats" including a disturbing phone call.
www.rollingstone.com
This is the sort of thing you'd probably pay $9.95 to see streaming online, or in a theater (is yours still open? Don't answer without checking)
I'm referring of course, to Jussie Smulletts claim – immediately upon being admitted to the mental health center at his prison – that he is about to be raped/sodomized by white supremacist guards. His family is DEMANDING his immediate release. I kid you not. Read the link above
I'd love to be the judge who is assigned to review this latest Smullett Cinematic Universe movie pitch:
“All Rise – The Honorable Judge “As Seen on TV” now "presiding
“Bailiff – what's the docket this morning?”
“Jussie Smullett vs. the Universe, your honor”
“Wait – what? I thought we put this nutcase away. After spending a gazillion dollars investigating his hilarious claim about almost being lynched by Trump supporters. And a gazillion more hearing his denials and appeals on the resulting triallfor fraud, perjury, and being a general a$$hole”
'We did your honor. But now he claims he's about to be – ahem – sexually molested with a broom handle by prison guards– like legitimate victim Abner Louima was in NYC years ago.”
“Well, who doesn't enjoy a good supervillian reboot? Mr. Rothstein, I presume you are representing the complainant? And that there's actual evidence?”
“I am your honor. And we made sure there's no random Ring Doorbell security cam footage showing its a hoax this time. I have here a tape recording of an anonymous phone call made yesterday to Jussie's brother, where the poor man is being threatened with the most vile and heinous . . ."
“Heinous? Heinous? Good pun, Mr. Rothstein . . . “
“Wait your honor. There are other considerations. Mr. Smullett might catch Covid 19, or AIDs or any other number conditions during his incarceration,”
“Not if he avoids sexual contact with other prisoners. Which seems likely, since he's in isolation, protective custody, and under constant medical and psychiatric observation, Mr. Rothstein”
“Your honor, my client assures me – with a straight face – that he is the victim of a modern day lynching. Like Emmett Till. He never paid those 2 nigerian body builders to carry out the first hoax. They made it all up. And he has nothing to do with this anonymous threatening phone call. Mr. Smullett assures me most solemnly”
“Save it for the the next round of endless appeals, counsellor,. Release denied. And if I may offer a bit of advice. These retread plotlines are just too obvious, and boring. If Mr. Smulllett wants to relaunch his entertainment career, he needs better writers, a better agent, and a better attorney. Next case.”
To the descendants and relatives of Abner Louima, Emmett Till, and other past victims of racial violence, I would like to apologize on behalf of Jussie Smollett. HIs views represent only those of deranged substance abusers, and not the typical Black American. May he get the professional help he so obviously needs.
