as seen on tv
Senator
Today – Meet with the 3 americans who took down the gunman on the french train
Tomorrow – Award the "Timex Peace Prize" to Mohamed for creating a home made "clock" out of $300 worth of computer spare parts . . .
Saturday – Meet with Benjamin Netanyahu, pass out billions in aid in case Iran attacks
Next week –
- Elton John in performance at the white house
- Launch IRS review of Carly Fiorina’s past tax returns
- Announce america is increasing its 10,000 syrian refugee commitment to 100K (oops – this already happened, yesterday)
- Meet with Chinese premier; avoid mentioning human rights violations or appropriatition of disputed islands in the Pacific
- Ask GM to rename their Denali SUV the “McKinley” instead, to placate critics
- Private meeting with John Kerry; urge him to consider running for president
- Pardon Bowe Bergdahl (“He and his family have suffered enough”)
- Blame republicans for global warming , AND the Mcdonalds dollar menu
- Announce plans to equip all 3.2 million US service members with body cams- even desk workers
- Appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert, and do a Trump “whiteface” impersonation
- Issue another stern warning to Russia on their support of Assad in Syria
- Propose a tax increase nobody asked for, and which will be DOA in congress
- Criticize GM for raising prices after last week’s record $900 million federal fine on ignition switches
- Declare Windows 10 “not a real operating system”, urge Americans to try Unix
- Hold a press conference to remind America that the Redskins’ refusal to change their name is far worse than deflategate.
- Bash a trump piñata at Malia’s sweet 16 birthday party; profess ignorance that piñatas are an offensive cultural stereotype as well
- Announce an independent DOJ prosecutor to investigate Hillary’s emails, if she hasn’t already withdrawn from the 2016 race by this date
- Recognize the new Burkina Faso military government, following this week's coup
- Play golf, of course . . .
