as seen on tv
Senator
http://www.reuters.com/article/2014/09/19/us-usa-secession-exclusive-idUSKBN0HE19U20140919
A “shock poll” reveals that 1 in 4 Americans are so angry they want to secede from the nation. (Oddly enough, this is about the same proportion of the US population which resided in the confederacy at the start of the Civil War).
And I can totally understand the secession impulse of modern, non plantation owners, today. When my next door neighbor is blasting music at midnight, I’d like to secede from my apartment building. And I’ve often considered renouncing my citizenship in the state Maryland because I’m embarrassed by Senator Barbara Mikulski.
But seceding from America is sort of a bigger deal than moving to a more rational state. It brings to mind all the Hollywood entertainers who vowed to renounce their US citizenship if Bush was re-elected. Then they didn’t. And the number of wealthy people who are now quietly moving their money and nationality “somewhere else” as a tax strategy. Well, at least ONE SIDE of the debate is as good as its word.
For the record, I am NOT considering seceding from America because I have issues with Obama, Mikulski, Pelosi, Huckabee, or the next crackpot on Capitol Hill who wants to legalize pot or force our kids to pray in school. We have a process to fix such things. It’s called elections.
But the whole situation boggles the mind. 25% of Americans are so deluded they have no concept of the freedoms and rights we enjoy here. And who are oblivious to the news reports that hundreds of thousands of foreigners are clamoring to get in. This whole situation got me thinking. There are probably a lot of other things which some random 25% of the population is upset at. So here’s my theory of what we also should be thinking about:
10 – Return of the “LFL” – the lingerie football league. I’m not sure why this went off the air. It can’t be because the national organization of women disapproved. I’m watching the skies all the time and I never saw a plane towing a banner which says “LFL objectifies women”. The only reason the Lingerie Football League went bankrupt is that they couldn’t afford 17 different camera angles and a slow motion replay of every down.
9 – Legalization of Oxycontin – listen up. This is a true story. Last month I had major surgery. I was prescribed Oxycontin for my recovery. Ever try getting one of those prescriptions filled? The first two pharmacies I went to were “sold out”. The 3rd made me fill out 3 pages of forms and wait for an hour. They were disappointed that I wouldn’t consent to a flu shot while I waited. Afterwards one of my daughter’s friends told me that Oxycontin pills are worth $40 each on the street, and that the right way to use them – maximum benefit – is to crush them up and snort them. Who knew?
8 – End the requirement to insure your car – I’m an expert on this one too, since I work in the Insurance industry. Something like 25-35% of all drivers don’t have insurance. That’s why there’s a proliferation of online companies that will allow you to enroll in 30 seconds, pay your first month’s premium, print your proof of insurance on the spot, then never make any other payments. I’ve been in 2 car accidents in the past 6 years. Both drivers were uninsured and fled the scene. Bad drivers and DUI perps unite! Insist on your right to cause mayhem and evade financial responsibility.
7 – Require the teaching of evolution in church – this is the antipode to all those who think our kids will be more competitive if they are taught creationism in 8th grade earth science. I know for a fact that Neal Degrasse Tyson, the guy who plagiarized Carl Sagan’s TV series, would love to see every Sunday service begin with a reading from “origin of the species” or “the selfish gene”.
6 – Slavery reparations – I’m for this one. If your great great grandparents were brought here in chains 250 years ago, some redress is appropriate. I’m “down with that” only if reparations exclude anyone who’s ancestors arrived AFTER the civil war (like mine), and the reparations tax also involves putting the hit on the descendants of African Muslims and tribesmen who put all those guys in chains in the first place. Get at the root of the problem, I always say.
5 – Make tobacco completely illegal – I know this is counterintuitive, since I’m espousing recreational Oxycontin. But hear me out. Whenever I turn on the TV there’s a flood of poorly done commercials telling me that smoking is a bad idea. Well, duh! But where does it stop? Do we keep this sort of dreck on the tube forever and ever, because one hand washes the other? The sale of cigarettes and the associated taxes employs a small army of gummint counter insurgents who make a living on the anti-tobacco side of the ledger. Well then, where does it end? Does this expand to the point where we are bombared by public service ads telling us to pour our Budweisers down the drain?; put out that medicinal marijuana joint?; don’t eat the perfectly legal GMO corn on the cob from the local market?; shame us into throwing rocks at McDonalds? If cigarettes are THAT bad, then let’s cut to the chase and make them illegal. I have better things to do with my tax dollars than argue with myself. (Full disclosure – ASOT doesn’t smoke)
4 – Legalize Polygamy – (and polyandry, and polyamory) – It’s already happening. You might as well legalize it. HBO is getting rich by broadcasting the marital problems of plural marriages. I have a personal stake in this, as well. To enjoy the lifestyle to which I aspire to become accustomed, it will take more than one husband, or ex husband, at a time. 3 or 4 may do it, depending on how much hyperinflation and taxes rise in the coming years. I feel pretty confident that I can handle 3 or 4 husbands at a time.
3 – A restraining order to keep Michelle Obama 500 yards away from any public school – every time I go online recently, some school has a horror story. “800% increase in food waste under Michelle’s menu”. “Black market for Twinkies and ho-ho’s busted at Ted Kennedy vo-tech”; “Our kids love Kale – for smoking in their blunts”. Does the first lady had any notion of the absurdity of hosting a 10 course lobster thermidor White House banquet while school kids get a 2 ounce serving of boiled carp in the cafeteria?
2 – Separate section at the back of the airplane if you’re allergic to peanuts – I’m sorry that you were born with a peanut allergy. But that doesn’t’ give you the right to tell everyone on board what to eat. I mean it. Move along to the back of the plane, before I start tossing a few Planters Honey Roast in your direction, and send you to intensive care. There’s no reason for the other 250 of us to suffer because of your bad luck in the genetic lottery.
1 – All IRS (and other government agency) hard drives must be turned over to the FBI if they “crash” – I know this sounds political, but it’s not. Something similar is required in the private sector. If I claim my computer stopped working, I don’t get to remove the hard drive, hit it 500 times with a hammer, then throw the shards in the incinerator while demanding a new laptop. My non working PC goes to corporate information security. If you work in a job that supplies computer access, you undoubtedly operate under a similar rule. I’m pretty sure I can find 25% of Americans who agree that government drones shouldn’t be allowed to self diagnose their computer illnesses, and then euthanize them on the spot.
Please share below your best suggestions on where to send the 25% of Americans who hate the USA. I’m going to disclose my own pick, and its NOT Russia, despite the fact the Eric Snowden gives it a “10”. I have 2 suggestions, actually.
If you think there’s not enough government regulation in America, you should try Iran.
If you think there’s too much regulation, you future home might logically be Somalia.
Let me know how this works out for you, if you decide to leave.
