as seen on tv
Senator
Photo above - random 2023 Oscars winners
Not shown - black actors, especially balding ones, out of an "abundance of caution"
I have to confess. As much as I WANTED to watch the 2023 Academy Awards, and see Jimmy Kimmel get punched in the mouth, I didn't. I couldn't pull myself away from all the breaking news about bank failures and the crashing stock market.
Full disclosure - I REALLY hate Kimmel – he's the WORST late night talk show host. The best is Fallon. Stephen Colbert has his moments two. Not James Corden. Even Trevor Noah would have been upgrade compared to Kimmel. But THAT was never going to happen – not after last year's black-cat-fight. (I said it. It's a joke. Begin hating on me now . . . )
Even from my fortress of solitude (my bedroom) I could hear TVs clicking and changing channels as viewers lost interest in the Oscars. As Kimmel made lame, tame, unfunny jokes about last year's “bitch slap of the century”. Here's a sample: “If anyone commits an act of violence tonight, you will be given an Oscar and invited onstage to make a 19 minute acceptance speech”. YES! He actually said that. It's a real quote! Just what I'VE been saying all year. Last year's dust-up was totally staged.
This concludes the “weird but true” part of my post. I now venture into the “made up but probably still true part” for my loyal readers. I was, in fact, granted an interview with Mr. Kimmel (in my imagination). And boy, is it ever great!
(me) “Jimmy . . . great show last night. Too bad nobody watched it.”
(Kimmel) “I know . . wait . . what? I was promised we'd have a gazillion viewers after last years fight”
(me) “I'm just messing with you. You did get millions more than last year. And no animals were harmed in the making of the show. But your opening monologue WAS pretty bad.”
(Kimmel) “No, it wasn't. No it wasn't. It was GREAT. And it was fully approved by all the suits upstairs in advance. I was told there would be no spontaneity allowed. You can't blame me for THAT, can you?”
(me) “Certainly not. It's exactly the same approach as Jimmy Kimmel Live! every night. Consensus comedy targeting America's social outcasts."
(Kimmel) “There's nothing wrong with that. It gets great ratings. Know your audience, and all that.”
(me) “The two main targets of your humor last night were a dead man - Robert Blake – and Will Smith. Who wasn't even allowed to attend.”
(Kimmel) “I did suggest some real zingers targetted against Will. Like those Chris Rock is using in his Netflix special. You know – Will's wife Jada Pinkett Smith is sleeping with her daughter's boyfriend. Those got cut.”
(Me) “But nobody is fake - rushing the stage to give Chris Rock another beat down . . .”
(Kimmel) “The Oscar Broadcast is what it is, okay? Some people are never happy. Last year we had the most exciting 15 seconds of live TV in history, and this year people are all over us because we're back to the all-white thing. The executive producers just don't want a re-run of last year. Implications that black men are violent and unpredictable. We didn't even dare award Angela Basset best supporting actress for “Wakanda! It all went to “Everything Everywhere”. Giving that oscar to Jamie Lee Curtis is more like a lifetime achievement award, anyway. Everything, Everywhere was snooze that nobody saw.”
(Me) “They both were. Wakanda and Everything. But to be honest, my local cineplex ALWAY has a bunch of MCU junk showing. You can't find this year's winner anywhere, can you?”
(Kimmel) “I thought you were smart when we started this interview. Don't you know that the Academy Awards are NOT about excellence in filmmaking OR box office gross?”
(Me) “Sorry. Yes I knew that. I forgot. So that's why “Navalny” won best documentary? A guy being tortured to death in a Russian prison?”
(Kimmel) “Well, we couldn't have Ukraine president Zelensky appear via Zoom again. But we have to virtue signal our disapproval of Putin. Zelensky should have won his war by now. America has war fatigue. And who knows if Navalny is even going to be alive next year? Better to give him the Oscar now, while he's still alive. Even if he can't attend. Or even stand up unassisted.”
(Me) “And here I thought I wasn't going to learn anything tonight. Thanks for agreeing to this interview, Jimmy”
(Kimmel) “No problemo. And please don't forget – Rolex was the main sponsor of this year's academy awards. Please buy Rolex products wherever they are available. Disclosure – the Academy Awards and it's producers may earn a royalty fee from the sale of products I mention in this interview . .. “
Quick quiz - Does anyone remember what LAST YEAR'S best picture was? "Coda". Didn't see it, did you?. Now predict if you'll remember "Everything Everywhere" a year from now. Or have actually seen it.
