Elderly Parents

[lupehernandezdepedajack]

The question of the day is.........How in the hell do you get the car keys away from a cantankerous old codger who refuses to admit that he is incapable of driving?

It's a toughie I have even sat him down with a nurse practicioner who laid it out for him what he is capable and not capable of doing.
This isn't just a personal evaluation but was based on the results of testing.

And it just ticks him off

 

[Craig]

The question of the day is.........How in the hell do you get the car keys away from a cantankerous old codger who refuses to admit that he is incapable of driving?

It's a toughie I have even sat him down with a nurse practicioner who laid it out for him what he is capable and not capable of doing.
This isn't just a personal evaluation but was based on the results of testing.

And it just ticks him off

Does he sleep with them? Lock them up in a secret place?

Yeah...this is one of the hardest transitions for many of the elderly. Used to being independent and having a car as a sign of that independence, then seeing it go away, will tend to tick folks off. It did my father, but he was recovering from a head injury at the time and the state took away his license. He never did get it back.

My M-I-L didn't stop until she had an accident at 79. It was a fender bender, but it happened because she couldn't drive anymore, not for any other reason but her reaction time. Fortunately, she has family all around to run her errands and at 82 seems content to sit in her chair and watch NCIS reruns...

Good luck.

 

[NightSwimmer]

We finally just disabled the engine on my Mom's car. It's a difficult situation. Sometimes, older folks enter a stage in which they have more and less lucid days. While they may be okay driving on Tuesday, they really shouldn't be on the road the following Thursday. It's hard to know when to draw the line, and they'll resent it no matter when you do it.

 

[lupehernandezdepedajack]

We finally just disabled the engine on my Mom's car. It's a difficult situation. Sometimes, older folks enter a stage in which they have more and less lucid days. While they may be okay driving on Tuesday, they really shouldn't be on the road the following Thursday. It's hard to know when to draw the line, and they'll resent it no matter when you do it.

Yep they are resentful in fact he said something about the nurse that gave him the test results that made me think of Galveston. I have been able to position myself as a mediator but in a week or so when they release him from rehab We (the family) will have to take a more assertive role something I dread.

 

[lupehernandezdepedajack]

Does he sleep with them? Lock them up in a secret place?

Yeah...this is one of the hardest transitions for many of the elderly. Used to being independent and having a car as a sign of that independence, then seeing it go away, will tend to tick folks off. It did my father, but he was recovering from a head injury at the time and the state took away his license. He never did get it back.

My M-I-L didn't stop until she had an accident at 79. It was a fender bender, but it happened because she couldn't drive anymore, not for any other reason but her reaction time. Fortunately, she has family all around to run her errands and at 82 seems content to sit in her chair and watch NCIS reruns...

Good luck.

Right now he is in rehab and his car is banged up a little because he took out the trim on the garage door so we are ok. It is when we have to tell him we ain't giving his car back in about a week is when the stuff will hit the fan

 

[Craig]

Right now he is in rehab and his car is banged up a little because he took out the trim on the garage door so we are ok. It is when we have to tell him we ain't giving his car back in about a week is when the stuff will hit the fan

Turn the fan on high...The week will give him some time to consider the nurse practitioner's words and perhaps make the transition a bit easier.

 

[Minotaur]

Our neighbor just went through that and they replaced the car with a golf cart but here in Florida golf carts are everywhere. You can probably get in touch with the DMV for answers as a final move, as well as look up suggestions on the Internet. Don't take the keys away too soon but don't wait too long either. I read an interesting question regarding safety when you near the time: "Would you allow your child to ride with Grandpa? " If the answer is no then maybe it is time to start the talk you dread. You can even look up how to approach it. Good luck with this hon and let us know how it all turned out for you.

 

[ElGringo]

The question of the day is.........How in the hell do you get the car keys away from a cantankerous old codger who refuses to admit that he is incapable of driving?

It's a toughie I have even sat him down with a nurse practicioner who laid it out for him what he is capable and not capable of doing.
This isn't just a personal evaluation but was based on the results of testing.

And it just ticks him off

I had to deal with the same issue a few years ago. Unfortunately, I had to treat my dad like he was a child. I hated doing it, and he hated it too, but you've gotta do what you've gotta do. Reason didn't work with him so I ended up just taking his keys from him. He lived with me so I could do that.

 

[lupehernandezdepedajack]

I had to deal with the same issue a few years ago. Unfortunately, I had to treat my dad like he was a child. I hated doing it, and he hated it too, but you've gotta do what you've gotta do. Reason didn't work with him so I ended up just taking his keys from him. He lived with me so I could do that.

These old codgers didn't get to be old codgers because they are dummies. The guy has been laying some convincing BS on us for about 6 months telling us how OK he is the sad part is he has convinced himself he is OK so when lays some BS on us he fully believes in himself and the BS no matter what it is about is so convincing because when he tells you he believes it. Now we know better. We had an independent living place arranged for him but we and the rehab center believe he needs assisted living with 3 meals and medical management. We have made arrangements for assisted living for 1 month and see how it goes he is likely to end up in one of 2 of the kids homes> Mine is out of the question because he can't navigate stairs. If I had to I could convert the garage into a room for him but all the showers and stuff are upstairs.

 

[ElGringo]

These old codgers didn't get to be old codgers because they are dummies. The guy has been laying some convincing BS on us for about 6 months telling us how OK he is the sad part is he has convinced himself he is OK so when lays some BS on us he fully believes in himself and the BS no matter what it is about is so convincing because when he tells you he believes it. Now we know better. We had an independent living place arranged for him but we and the rehab center believe he needs assisted living with 3 meals and medical management. We have made arrangements for assisted living for 1 month and see how it goes he is likely to end up in one of 2 of the kids homes> Mine is out of the question because he can't navigate stairs. If I had to I could convert the garage into a room for him but all the showers and stuff are upstairs.

This is a horrible thing to deal with but what can you do? They're your parents and you've got to repay all of the help they gave you. It's sad watching them deteriorate and knowing that they know it too but don't want to admit it. In the end, if they're a danger to other people you don't have any choice but to stop them.

 

[Renee]

The question of the day is.........How in the hell do you get the car keys away from a cantankerous old codger who refuses to admit that he is incapable of driving?

It's a toughie I have even sat him down with a nurse practicioner who laid it out for him what he is capable and not capable of doing.
This isn't just a personal evaluation but was based on the results of testing.

And it just ticks him off

I took the keys away from mine .....he protested but later admitted he was grateful, he was a danger on the road....and at some level he knew it. This isn't about your dad, it is about innocent people who might get hurt by him.

 

[lupehernandezdepedajack]

I appreciate you sharing this. It is help even though I know there is no magic get well treatment.

The old codger has had 3 wives and outlived all of them tha last one left about 3 years ago and was 13 years younger than him he really didn't think she would go first. The lonliness has gotten to him even though there are 3 of us that make a point to get by and see him once week minimum and on different days so he has a continuous parade of visitors. He went about 2 weeks not managing his meds and living off of Whiskey and Ice cream and a neighbor saw him feint going for the mail. His body chemistry was 100% out of whack the rehab cenetr has all that under control now but it looks like his binge may have permanent effects.

 

[lupehernandezdepedajack]

I took the keys away from mine .....he protested but later admitted he was grateful, he was a danger on the road....and at some level he knew it. This isn't about your dad, it is about innocent people who might get hurt by him.

Thats what the nurse practitioner tried to tell him if he runs into a ditch and dies that is sad but imagine running into a group of kids at the bus stop.

 

[happyatheist]

The question of the day is.........How in the hell do you get the car keys away from a cantankerous old codger who refuses to admit that he is incapable of driving?

It's a toughie I have even sat him down with a nurse practicioner who laid it out for him what he is capable and not capable of doing.
This isn't just a personal evaluation but was based on the results of testing.

And it just ticks him off

In the state where my grandfather lived, when the time came, the dr. sent a letter to the DMV and they sent my grandfather a letter saying that, due to his condition, he was no longer allowed to drive legally and, I believe, they revoked his license.

While he hated to give up the freedom, after several harrowing long distance drives, regular instances of getting lost and a couple of bouts of hopping in the car, driving around for a while and forgetting what he was supposed to be doing, he was pretty sure that they were right when he got that letter in the mail.

 

[fairsheet]

First, some levity. My buddy's grandfather used to live down a long, woodsy, dirt road. We'd borrow his LTD now and again and I swear that thing must've weighed 8,000 lbs.! It seems he'd steer his way up the driveway by bouncing off the trees on either side, then he'd take it to his local guy who would bondo it back up, spray on some more maroon paint, and send him on his way!

Then there was my Mom who had the real USAA...not the subsidiary offshoot the rest of us had. About every 6 months or so, she'd get in a fender bender with some other oldster who always seemed to have USAA himself. We used to joke (sort of) that whenever she filed a claim, her rates went down and ours went up!

Seriously though......you just gotta do it. The best way is to talk to his doctor. Let the doctor take the blame, so you don't have to. He won't like it at first but as long as you make sure he always has access to alternative transportation, he'll eventually get used to it.

 

[lupehernandezdepedajack]

In the state where my grandfather lived, when the time came, the dr. sent a letter to the DMV and they sent my grandfather a letter saying that, due to his condition, he was no longer allowed to drive legally and, I believe, they revoked his license.

While he hated to give up the freedom, after several harrowing long distance drives, regular instances of getting lost and a couple of bouts of hopping in the car, driving around for a while and forgetting what he was supposed to be doing, he was pretty sure that they were right when he got that letter in the mail.

Thank all of you for the advice.
Miss Happy, I think I have print of your avatar I am going up to attic to dig it out and see

 

[fairsheet]

First, some levity. My buddy's grandfather used to live down a long, woodsy, dirt road. We'd borrow his LTD now and again and I swear that thing must've weighed 8,000 lbs.! It seems he'd steer his way up the driveway by bouncing off the trees on either side, then he'd take it to his local guy who would bondo it back up, spray on some more maroon paint, and send him on his way!

Then there was my Mom who had the real USAA...not the subsidiary offshoot the rest of us had. About every 6 months or so, she'd get in a fender bender with some other oldster who always seemed to have USAA himself. We used to joke (sort of) that whenever she filed a claim, her rates went down and ours went up!

Seriously though......you just gotta do it. The best way is to talk to his doctor. Let the doctor take the blame, so you don't have to. He won't like it at first but as long as you make sure he always has access to alternative transportation, he'll eventually get used to it.

Lupe, my thing about letting the doctor take the blame, may've come across as a bit of a "throwaway", but it's actually THE most important thing. You don't have to promise to challenge the doctor or even say you don't agree with him. You just have to say something like, "Hey...it's out of my hands".

 

[lupehernandezdepedajack]

Lupe, my thing about letting the doctor take the blame, may've come across as a bit of a "throwaway", but it's actually THE most important thing. You don't have to promise to challenge the doctor or even say you don't agree with him. You just have to say something like, "Hey...it's out of my hands".

That's why we had the sit down with the nurse practitioner let them be the heavy

 

[Bernard_Fokke]

That's why we had the sit down with the nurse practitioner let them be the heavy

Good luck Lupe, I was lucky my dad quit driving himself turned in his licence and said I quit! That was at 89.

My father in Law was nuts and fairly well off and wouldn't quit and it turned into a goat roping, they would disable the car and he'd call AAA have it towed to the Mercedes dealer and git it going again and off he'd go with his wife, he was in the early stages of Dementia/Alzheimer's and suffered serious CRS, so he'd forget where he was going and how to get home. His wife was suffering from macular degeneration and could hardly see the hood ornament so they were a pair.

His licence had been pulled at the DMV by the doctors but he still had a copy and just refused to quit finally he got pulled over and gave the cops some guff (He was a nasty old fart) and they ran him and then he was drug in for a 24 hour psych hold due to his combative attitude. Car got towed and that turned into a serious brouhaha as the kids wouldn't take him down to get the car, they'd already bailed it out and hid it and it went on and on until he died. Sure made me glad I didn't have a dog in that fight.

 

[RedCloud]

Now that you youngsters have had your says about us old farts, let this old fart (80+11 months) tell you something. No two of us are alike. Some are like Craig's MIL and Bernard Fokke's Dad who have the mental capacity to realize when their mental capacity and reaction times are so impaired that it is no longer safe for them to be on the road. All the others have to be shown some tough love as their car keys are confiscated. This is a favor to them and definitely a favor to the possible victims of their slow reaction time.
At the present time my mental capacity and reaction time to unexpected events while driving is as good, or better than most motorists on the road. (Those people giving me a one finger salute and yelling at me are just jealous of my driving ability!)

I have told my son to tell me when I'm losing it. I know there is a possibility that I might become senile and not be able to realize it. I don't want to stick around if I'm not able to recognize loved ones. I would just prefer to go over the hill and see what's there.