as seen on tv
Senator
http://www.whitehousedossier.com/2015/04/06/hillary-hires-michelles-image-redo-guru/
Oh my. That (alleged) feud between Hillary and Michelle isn’t going to go away any time soon. Hillary just hired Michelle’s “image guru” (Kristina Schake). As the article above puts it, this is intended to make Hillary “seem less like a space alien” (They said it,not me. See link above).
Personally, I never regarded Hillary – or Michelle – as space aliens, so I can’t tell if this is the right move. But I will venture that the image which a candidate needs to convey might be somewhat different than a first lady, no?
In any case, my moles claim to have uncovered Ms. Shake’s “top to makeover ideas” for Hillary, before the unannounced candidate is even allowed to address the press on any substantive topics (which may, in fact, be “never”, since Hillary has dodged every opportunity to talk about world events). Here they are . . .
10 – “Lose those Cankles”. Don’t laugh. This is going to be harder than it looks. Calves are one of the hardest body parts to shape with exercise. This is why so many male body builders get calf implants. It’s true – you can google it. We (women) get work done “up there”, guys get their calves enlarged? More proof that body builders are few cards short of a full deck. No woman – or gay man – ever decided to give a guy a tryout based on his amazing calves.
9 – “School lunch menus”. This may seem counterintuitive, but I’m completely in sync with Michelle’s former guru here. Michelle’s own cafeteria “healthy choices” have been a disaster. Hillary simply needs to do the OPPOSITE of what Michelle was told. Visit a few schools, announce “Taco Tuesdays” are back on the menu; put a coke machine and a red bull machine side by side in the hallway (competition!) and finally munch down on a slice of double pepperoni pizza . Sound bite: “Be a locavore – order it from the neighborhood pizzaria, as long as he’s not a homophobe”.
8 – “Lose the grandkid” – Hillary, I know you worked so hard to get Chelsea married off, so that the press wouldn’t regale us with her “living arrangements” during your campaign. But honestly, you’re in deep doo doo among the youth vote. Showing up for every photo op with that ankle biter as a prop isn’t going to help - you look 70. What? You actually are? Sheesh. Okay, just get a dog – honestly. How about a yellow lab, to match your hair color? Make Bill take care of it when you’re on the campaign trail.
7 – “Take up a sport” – and NOT golf. That hasn’t worked out for Obama. Well, neither has bowling, after he told the press he bowled like a “special Olympics” kid. How about model drone flying? It's trending, and it gets you out in the fresh air and sunshine. Bonus factor, you can use your drone to keep tabs on . . . (stop it, ASOT!!!)
6 – “Fact finding tour” – take an international tour of Europe, the middle east, latin america, Africa, asia. Smaller nations. It’s a “listening tour” – be videotaped as various rulers (and opponents) denounce poverty, hunger, capitalism, and Google, while you simply nod attentively. If they start in on Jews, Christians, gays, or what not, just delete those portions like you did with your emails, before releasing them. The beauty of this is you don’t have to actually say a thing. You appear to be in agreement that the world has a lot of problems, but nobody can ask you what you intend to do about them. Pure genius.
5 – “Go dancing with Bill” – No, not on that TV show. (But that wouldn’t be a bad idea actually). What you want to do is project an image of yourself as physically fit, normal emotional responses, a mature marriage that has survived “problems” – not a space alien. Can do? You'll waltz your way to the White House, honey!
4 – “My daddy was a union man” – even if he wasn’t, find an ancestor or contemporary relative who was. Your ratings are in the tank with male union members. Show up at a steel mill, and express thanksl that “strong, effective unions, with a caring federal government” have made the workplace 1,000% safer. This also works to bolster support from the capitalists who own those steel mills, by the way.
3 – “Lose the Huma” – Am I spelling that right? Anthony “look at my pic” Weiner’s estranged wife, Huma Abebnabob?. First of all, every time she’s caught in the background of a candid shot, it reminds people of Weiner. And Bill and Lewinsky. Second , she DOES in fact look like a space alien. (see picture at top) . Find a job for her where she cannot EVER be caught on camera, even with a drone or telephoto lens. Make her your personal representative to Antarctica or Israel or something. The US press NEVER goes there any more.
2 – “Drive a car” – for the past 50 years, there is NO PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE that you’ve ever driven car. You need to fix this, immediately. Purchase a car (from a US located, union staffed plant, see #4 above) and drive it to a national park or something. A twofer – it shows that you connect with the great american pastime (skipping work) and that you vow to keep federal control over 90% of the land west of the Mississippi. Don’t hit a deer, or a dog, or an illegal alien runnign across the highway though. Take lessons if you need to. And do I need to mention that you CANNOT have one of those dorky “novice driver” bumper stickers on the back? Or "grandchild on board", either.
1 – “Flip on one of your Clinton foundation contributors” – Hillary, you’re going to get EXTREME HEAT for accepting donations from nations which stone gays, sell girls like livestock, and decapitate people with twitter accounts. Tackle this head on. (pun alert). Take the smallest, most despicable contributor to your foundation. (Turkmenistan? Sudan?) and denounce them. Return all their contributions. Better yet – donate their contributions to “The Clinton Consortium for women’s rights”. Yeah, I know you don’t have one of those yet. But it will only take one weekend for a clever lawyer to set this up. Put some relative at the helm, like you did with Chelsea and the foundation. The press will eat it up. You can sign an treaty to give Sudan nuclear weapons later, to smooth it over, if it comes to that.
Those are my - er Kristina's - top 10 ideas. What yours, to help with Hillary's image makeover? Share them below.
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