as seen on tv
Senator
(reporter) “Hey JEB, would you have invaded Iraq?”
(JEB) “What? Oh, probably I guess. I was against it before I was in favor of it. Invading, I mean. But maybe not so much today. Wait, is this a trick question?”
JEB, JEB, JEB . . . in politics, all questions are tricks. If you haven’t figured that out, then you’re not qualified to be president. Look at how Hillary flubs the easiest questions - ones you can see coming a mile away. You’re never going to be president JEB, even if your massive campaign money grab does land you the nomination.
I hate myself for doing this, but I’m going to give you some actual “practice questions” for the upcoming debates and interviews. I gave some to Hillary, but they clearly didn’t help. Hope you do better with yours, but I'm not holding my breath. And remember – keep your answers short, confident, and always try to “think of the little guy” – the average wage slave . ..
10 – “(former) Governor Bush – what is your proudest achievement during your time as governor of Florida?” (This is the question Hillary so famously got wrong several times, about her tenure as Secretary of State)
9 – “The national debt is $18 trillion. That’s $180,000 for every family in america. And half of those families pay no taxes at all. How do you propose to tackle this?” (There are any number of wrong answers, including “tax reform”; “tax cuts for the wealthy”; or “eliminating fraud and abuse in federal programs". The safest answer is along the lines of “Unleash the creativity and entrepreneurial spirit of America again, so we can resume our rightful place as the premier source of goods and services in demand around the world. No country can prosper if it doesn’t have a successful business climate”)
8 – “Do you support the idea of women in combat roles?” (This is a diabolical – there is no win-win here. The best you can do probably is “Nobody believes a woman can shoulder a 90 pound pack, a machine gun, and other gear, and charge up a mountainside into combat the same as a man. In fact, I don’t even want to burden our infantrymen that way either. Modern combat, in the future, will feature smarter technology, and fewer boots on the ground. Women have been and will continue to be an indispensible component of those activities”)
7 – “Do you support the Iran nuclear treaty?” (“I haven’t read it. And neither have you. I’m concerned because our so called trusted partners - the EYE-ranians - are already calling Secretary of State Kerry a liar. I say declassify it and let congress – on a bipartisan basis – tell us what they think of it . .. “) (yes JEB, I DO suggest you prounounce it EYE-ranians, with that drawl, just like Dubya drawled Saaaad-dam, to make his distaste known . .. )
6 – “50% of our inner city kids drop out of high school. As governor of florida your schools were no better than New York, Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland. Do you actually have a plan to help america’s kids get the skills they need to become employed, self sufficient adults?” (“The present system serves the brightest kids fairly well. But drugs and crime are the principal reason kids don’t finish school, let alone develop life skills. If you fix those problems, you’re more than halfway there”)
5 – “America has an obeisity epidemic. People are fatter than ever. Is this even something the government should be trying to fix?” (this is a softball question of course – from a friendly reporter. “Nobody disagrees with the concept of healthy nutritious meals in public school cafeterias, Or supermarket food labeling that is clear and helpful. But if you’re asking can the government kill junk food by taxing it – I doubt it. Cigarettes and alcohol have demonstrated this. All things in moderation is perhaps the best guideline the experts have come up with.”)
4 – “What about Obamacare?” (“Obamacare? Is that thing still in the courts? I’m sorry – a little levity. The fact that there have been dozens of lawsuits, many still pending, should tell us something. We need to migrate to a solution that works. We can’t go back to the past, clearly. But we can’t live with what we’ve got. Let’s get both parties involved, and figure out how to transition the neediest to something affordable and workable, and then people who DON’T need subsidies can select from a more appropriate offering of healthcare policies to cover THEIR needs, as they set their own priorities”)
3 – “Do you favor legalized Marijuana?” (“Absolutely not, and let me tell you why. It makes you unemployable for about 90% of the jobs in the modern world. You can’t write software, operate industrial equipment, provide medical or dental care, operate planes, trains or buses; you can’t be a good teacher, police officer . . . do I really need to go on? Nobody wants that for their kids – a life without a good career. Nobody. That’s my position.”)
2 - “Pundits are saying that a Bush/Clinton race in 2016 is a throwback to a bygone era, and a contest the nation doesn’t need or want. What do you say?” (“I say Hillary is no Bill Clinton. She should run on her record – if she dares. I released my emails. She deleted hers. This election is about character and trust, not who was president decades ago.)
1 – “What’s the first thing you’d change, if you make to the white house?” (“I’d make damn sure – pardon my french – that the leaders of both parties in congress understand that we’re not going to have any more of this constant brinkmanship and fighting. There’s room for principled objections and suggestions, without driving the nation to ruin. We’re going back to normal, and work together as a team, to deliver for the citizens of America. And if you don’t want to part of that process, then don’t run for re-election yourself, Mr. or Ms. Congressperson . .. ")
There’s my JEB advice, election fans. Our chances of hearing JEB give any of these answers? Less than zero, I betcha. He’s going to continually get cornered on absurd, irrelevant details, the way Bill Clinton or Ronald Reagan never would have.
I am so depressed.
