as seen on tv
Senator

President Biden with press secretary Jen Psaki, transportation
secretary Pete Buttigieg, and Security advisor Avril Haines . . .
Headlines – even at CNN – are shrieking: “Biden approval rating tanks at 33%”. That's lower than Donald Trump, and Biden isn't even allowed to use Twitter .
I won't use this post to deconstruct who those diehard 33% are. Suffice it to say they’re not republicans, moderates, independents, or undecided voters.
But there’s still time for Biden to snag the low hanging fruit, and help his party sweep the senate and house. The founding fathers' vision of multi-party, bipartisan government can still be prevented.
I’ve outlined below my 10 point plan for how the white house (at this stage, actually a cabal of appointed wonks governing in absentia for the ailing Biden) can triangulate the American electorate on special interest issues, and ensure a sweep in November. And if you think ideas like these will only deepen the partisan divisions in America, then you might not appreciate how the game of politics works. Okay then . . here goes:
- Cancel all student debt for everyone with taxable income below $30K. Studies have confirmed that gig economy workers, slackers and dropouts identify this as “rich’, and could vote democrat out of gratitude. And since they don't pay taxes, it will be years until they consider voting GOP, if ever.
- Legalize pot nationwide. New Jersey is doing it statewide this week (new state motto; “buzzed driving is NOT drunk driving”). If Biden doesn’t act fast, national democrats will never get any props from the stoner nation for making it easier to get high.
- Exempt the first $10 Million from inheritance tax. Then confiscate 95% of everything above that. I know this seems counter-intuitive , but hear me out. There are like a gazillion millennials, gen x, y and z kids waiting for their boomer parents to kick off. And they all imagine their moms and dads have a fortune squirreled away in that bank safe deposit box, or under the mattress, or that baseball card collection. If you promise 20 something's they might never have to work again, it would be an even bigger fake out than baiting the homies and homeless with constant talk about a “guaranteed minimum annual income, even if you don't work a day” . . .
- Mi hermano is su hermano. Every mexican american will be able to sponsor one blood relative for immediate, legal, green card entry. Two if he operates a lawn service, roofing company, or restaurant. Repeat: immediate green card for cousins, brothers, nephews . . . no more trekking across the desert, or internment camps where you're constantly interviewed by CNN reporters if you get caught.
- Seize Oligarch Trump’s yachts, mansions, and private jets. For colluding with Putin. Use the money for slavery reparations.
- TRIPLE the size of the supreme court. Doubling it won’t be enough. America will need a 3 to 1 progressive margin of safety to quash originalist readings of the constitution.
- Turn the Hubble telescope 180 degrees and use it to spy on Russia. Whatever he pulls next, we shouldn’t get caught napping again. You could probably read the license plates on Russian tanks with that thing.
- Faster than a speeding bullet, to everywhere. You can waste an entire day driving to the long term airport lot, taking the shuttle to the terminal, going through TSA security, watching the unruly passenger next to you get tazed or duct taped to their seat. . And you haven’t even left the ground yet. We need billion dollar bullet trains to fix this. Tesla could build them, if we gave Musk big enough subsidies . . .
- Catwalk empire. Mandatory leashes, declawing, and neutering for cats. Do you know pet cats – in America alone – killed over 100 billion songbirds in 2021? Maybe it's actually 100 trillion. Bird lovers do, and they can be easily persuaded to vote a straight democratic ticket. Have your cat neutered, declawed, and locked inside for it's entire life, to make it joyless as you are. Who cares about their inherent nature?
- I'll have a big bucket and a ballot. If mail ballots, months in advance, are too much of a challenge, let's rethink this. Why not allow everyone to vote at KFC, Starbucks, or their corner bodega on election day? Register and vote in a single step, while ordering your 10 piece bucket, or a pack of Marlboros. ("WTF? Today's election day? Okay, gimme one of those ballots, man!") This could turn the tide and stop low turnout among the historically underrepresented who can't identify their own governor, senator, or the Vice President. Remember, an extra crispy electorate is the first defense of democracy!
You probably have some EVEN BETTER ideas on how to keep the senate and house from flipping this year. And who wants that? Nobody who YOU ever met! Please share your suggestions below. No idea is too crazy, with the polls this bad . . .
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